Anxious children – make sure you avoid these five common mistakes.

When our children suffer with overwhelming anxiety it can be very hard. Their distress causes us distress and our desire is to immediately reduce their stress however we can. We want to protect them. Unfortunately, in our efforts to support our child with their anxiety, we can make mistakes that compound the anxiety. See if you recognise any of these common mistakes…

 

Viewing anxiety as bad.

Anxiety is a fear response that has been around for millions of years. It is designed to keep us safe. We will never rid of anxiety and a little bit is important to help us through life. It can give us an extra bit of oomph when we need it. We don’t get rid of anxiety, we manage anxiety so it doesn’t have a negative impact on life.

 

Role modelling anxious behaviours.

People around children need to look at what they model. Do they model managing their anxiety, or do they catastrophise and model panic? Remaining calm and talking through thoughts models positive anxiety mangement.

 

Avoiding distress.

Something I’m always saying is that we cannot protect our children from all of life’s challenges. Our job is to prepare them to manage those challenges when they happen. They develop these skills through childhood. It’s our job to help them recognise and self-regulate their emotions during challenging times, not avoid them. As part of this we have to let them experience some distress and discomfort. Note, I’m not saying let them experience high levels of distress.

 

Expecting overnight change and/or change without effort.

Many times parents will avoid situations that causes their child anxiety. My question to them is, how is that helping them learn to manage their anxiety? We don’t wake up and suddenly not be anxious. It’s a process of learning tools and techniques to manage anxiety. These techniques will take them children of their comfort zone and require practising, but that’s part of the process.

 

Using negative language.

Have you heard of the saying, ‘whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right’. All too often I hear parents say: I don’t think they’re going to be able to do that. They’re tried before and it upset them too much. I’ve bought them into school but I don’t think they’re going to stay. They just can’t do it. I don’t like to cause him upset.

Instead try: They’re going to give it a go and that’s great. Being uncomfortable and a bit distressed is normal, it will pass. Just take it one step at a time. I’m proud of you for trying. I feel that I’m harming my child but I understand that this discomfort will pass for them and they’ll benefit from it.

 

Managing anxiety is a life long skill that, if children learn early, will help their mental health throughout their life.